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A Long One.

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Aug. 1st, 2007 | 02:00 pm
location: Work
mood: contemplative contemplative

For anyone who may still read... I figure I might update anyone interested on my life, since it's been a while. I'm doing this during my downtime at work, between filing and booking appointments. I figure I need at least a little bit of creative splurging once and a while. Slacker.com is playing Snake River Conspiracy in the background, and it's quiet in my office today otherwise. 

I went back and read a few past livejournal entries on my, Carly's, Emily's, Rebecca's and Nicole's blogs. The ones from 2005 especially sparked my interest. Many of them were in regards to Enigma or high school. It felt nostalgic, but also surreal; as if I had dreamt up those years and those friendships. They certainly seem much less tangable now. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it was a figment of my imagination. Did we really tie such a close bond with one another? Did we really create something so absorbing as Enigma? I hardly remember those days, though I remember the feeling in my bones. 

Life is fair these days. Dad's health hasn't been the greatest, and he's regressed into the same state he was in about the same time last year. In otherwords, not good. But we're trying to deal with the cards we've been dealt and it is what it is. The only thing we can do is persevere. A lot of people tell me that I should be angry at my father for all of it. But I cant. I still see him as a kind father, and a dependent old man. How can I be angry when he deserves pity? Well, this is all beside the point.

I suppose my group of friends has taken a new shape within this past year. As most of you know, I've been seeing Brett Stewart for close to a year now. Things are wonderful, as usual. He loves me, I love him, and we spend a lot of time together. All in all, it's a pretty healthy and fufilling relationship, and I couldn't ask for more. 

I've grown exceptionally close to Jason Brewster, Phil Margetts, Scott Ayala, Anthony Shen, even Brittany Hanks, though I don't see her face much since she and Scott split. But I love this group. And I love the fact that they have so quickly taken to Matt. Suddenly, these distant friends from high school have become close and personal. I love it. I feel like I have a band of big brothers watching my back. Problem is, I have a band of big brothers watching my back. I miss the doses of estrogyn I used to get from my fridays with Carly or Emily or Laura. I don't have many female friends at all. I think the only ones I talk to are Carly and Kellie, and conversation (let alone time) with them is few and far between. 

I'm still not sure why we all drifted, especially me and Laura. I'm sure that my nasty tobacco habit and the mistake called Jon Shimmel had much to do with that. I want people to know that what I consume does not in any way define me. I do not use drugs, and never have. I've smoke Marijuana back when I was dating Jon, but not much since. I've given that up. I can't stand the stuff. Cigarrettes, I've been working towards quiting, and I've cut back significantly. I, personally, am pretty pleased with the cutback, but I don't think old aquaintances will be happy until I can figure out a way to go back in time and erase the habit completely. I can't do that. I can't change what's been done. I can't. I wish I could, I suppose, but I can't. 

I was recently accused of being a hypocrate, that I smoke socially. It was an anonymous post on my honesty box. I usually don't take those things to heart, but this bothered me because I know it was someone I haven't spoken to since high school. I feel as though their conviction is unfair. I don't think they really have any understanding of me at all. I mean, when I first started the habit, back in November of 2005, I used to say "I smoke socially" as in "I smoke when I drink, and I only drink socially". I think people took that the wrong way. I also think our group of friends was immature in judgements as well as experiences. The fact that I used to feel estranged because I had a few drinks on New Years was just not fair. I don't think it changed me from being a moral person or for standing up for my convictions, although my ideals on life changed through High School. But doesn't that happen to everyone? Doesn't everyone grow and change as a person? And aren't good friends supposed to support your growth (within reason, I mean)? I just wonder why some of my friends left me high and dry during my rough patches. Maybe they couldn't handle the growth. Maybe they had to wait until college to comfortably experience things. But I don't understand why it was okay for Javi and Frank and Anthony and Blake to kick back with a cigarette and beer, but I wasn't allowed to. Why wasn't I allowed to enjoy mellow moments without the feeling of judging eyes? I wish someone could finally explain this to me, but I haven't the guts to ask the people in concerns directly.

I want to address everyone from high school, catch up, find out what happened between us. I need closure. I've needed it since this fiasco began.

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Comments {6}

From: reakademiks
Date: Aug. 13th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
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I smoke socially. As in...I only smoke when I drink as well. I'm a runner so by rule of habit, I can't get myself to smoke normally. I like a cigarette with my drinks wether beer or liqour. I drink just about every weekend so a pack of cigarettes lasts me a week. I still run 4 miles a day.

People riding you because of that, even if they are/were close friends, suck. Everyone is allowed their slice of disgusting. Your habit is mild. I also don't do drugs because I don't like them. To me, you're doing just fine.

P.S. - I never update this thing, but I read it once in a while. I always read your entries Gabi. Nice to know you're up and running.

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xbelovedxsquidx

From: xbelovedxsquidx
Date: Aug. 17th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
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Hey Adrian.

It's been too long since we've last spoken. I'm surprised and somewhat sad that you, someone I've never even met in person, someone I was only close to online, is the only one to respond to this entry. But at the same time, I'm so glad you did.

You always had a way of cheering me up. Thanks, love.

Give me a call sometime. My number hasn't changed in... what, 5 years?

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From: anonymous
Date: Aug. 18th, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
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Ahh, that is where the problem lies. For the past few years, I've kept moving numbers from new phone to new phone and then one day my phone was stolen. I lost all my numbers. Can you give me your number(s) through myspace?

Gracias.

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