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A Long One.

Aug. 1st, 2007 | 02:00 pm
location: Work
mood: contemplative contemplative

For anyone who may still read... I figure I might update anyone interested on my life, since it's been a while. I'm doing this during my downtime at work, between filing and booking appointments. I figure I need at least a little bit of creative splurging once and a while. Slacker.com is playing Snake River Conspiracy in the background, and it's quiet in my office today otherwise. 

I went back and read a few past livejournal entries on my, Carly's, Emily's, Rebecca's and Nicole's blogs. The ones from 2005 especially sparked my interest. Many of them were in regards to Enigma or high school. It felt nostalgic, but also surreal; as if I had dreamt up those years and those friendships. They certainly seem much less tangable now. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it was a figment of my imagination. Did we really tie such a close bond with one another? Did we really create something so absorbing as Enigma? I hardly remember those days, though I remember the feeling in my bones. 

Life is fair these days. Dad's health hasn't been the greatest, and he's regressed into the same state he was in about the same time last year. In otherwords, not good. But we're trying to deal with the cards we've been dealt and it is what it is. The only thing we can do is persevere. A lot of people tell me that I should be angry at my father for all of it. But I cant. I still see him as a kind father, and a dependent old man. How can I be angry when he deserves pity? Well, this is all beside the point.

I suppose my group of friends has taken a new shape within this past year. As most of you know, I've been seeing Brett Stewart for close to a year now. Things are wonderful, as usual. He loves me, I love him, and we spend a lot of time together. All in all, it's a pretty healthy and fufilling relationship, and I couldn't ask for more. 

I've grown exceptionally close to Jason Brewster, Phil Margetts, Scott Ayala, Anthony Shen, even Brittany Hanks, though I don't see her face much since she and Scott split. But I love this group. And I love the fact that they have so quickly taken to Matt. Suddenly, these distant friends from high school have become close and personal. I love it. I feel like I have a band of big brothers watching my back. Problem is, I have a band of big brothers watching my back. I miss the doses of estrogyn I used to get from my fridays with Carly or Emily or Laura. I don't have many female friends at all. I think the only ones I talk to are Carly and Kellie, and conversation (let alone time) with them is few and far between. 

I'm still not sure why we all drifted, especially me and Laura. I'm sure that my nasty tobacco habit and the mistake called Jon Shimmel had much to do with that. I want people to know that what I consume does not in any way define me. I do not use drugs, and never have. I've smoke Marijuana back when I was dating Jon, but not much since. I've given that up. I can't stand the stuff. Cigarrettes, I've been working towards quiting, and I've cut back significantly. I, personally, am pretty pleased with the cutback, but I don't think old aquaintances will be happy until I can figure out a way to go back in time and erase the habit completely. I can't do that. I can't change what's been done. I can't. I wish I could, I suppose, but I can't. 

I was recently accused of being a hypocrate, that I smoke socially. It was an anonymous post on my honesty box. I usually don't take those things to heart, but this bothered me because I know it was someone I haven't spoken to since high school. I feel as though their conviction is unfair. I don't think they really have any understanding of me at all. I mean, when I first started the habit, back in November of 2005, I used to say "I smoke socially" as in "I smoke when I drink, and I only drink socially". I think people took that the wrong way. I also think our group of friends was immature in judgements as well as experiences. The fact that I used to feel estranged because I had a few drinks on New Years was just not fair. I don't think it changed me from being a moral person or for standing up for my convictions, although my ideals on life changed through High School. But doesn't that happen to everyone? Doesn't everyone grow and change as a person? And aren't good friends supposed to support your growth (within reason, I mean)? I just wonder why some of my friends left me high and dry during my rough patches. Maybe they couldn't handle the growth. Maybe they had to wait until college to comfortably experience things. But I don't understand why it was okay for Javi and Frank and Anthony and Blake to kick back with a cigarette and beer, but I wasn't allowed to. Why wasn't I allowed to enjoy mellow moments without the feeling of judging eyes? I wish someone could finally explain this to me, but I haven't the guts to ask the people in concerns directly.

I want to address everyone from high school, catch up, find out what happened between us. I need closure. I've needed it since this fiasco began.

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(no subject)

Aug. 1st, 2007 | 11:16 am

Do people still use livejournal?

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(no subject)

Feb. 4th, 2007 | 12:49 am

I'm falling away from people purely because of distance. I need to make more effort to stay in touch. So do other people. I hardly know any of you anymore. And I feel so guilty about that. I'm sorry for letting you all down.

Please know that I'm happy and I'm doing well.

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(no subject)

Jan. 10th, 2007 | 07:42 pm

I feel like I should write something.

The majority of you haven't seen me in months. So here's an update:

My hair is longer
I still work at Michaels
I got a Zune

That's all.

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So, while my Zune is charging....

Dec. 22nd, 2006 | 10:51 pm
location: Birmingham, Alabama
mood: curious curious

Live Journal Drama?

Welcome to the "19 going on 12" club.

Laaaaaaame!


So anyway, for those who don't know what's going on in my life, it's probably best that way. :D Things are amazing.

I hope things are amazing for everyone else, too. Don't let anyone bring you down, guys. There will always be someone to pick you back up (even if its not the same person it was yesterday).

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As Thom Yorke Would Say...

Nov. 28th, 2006 | 06:24 pm


I am born again

To help me get back into the LJ 'tude...Collapse )

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(no subject)

Nov. 27th, 2006 | 07:44 pm

Thanks for your support, everyone. Harley was the best puppy ever, wasn't he? It means a lot that you guys will miss him, too. But he had a really nice long life and he got to spend his last couple days laying out in the grass outside with my family, getting bits and pieces here and there of thanksgiving food we snuck him. :}

I wonder if Bonkers is lonely.

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To One Of My Best Friends

Nov. 25th, 2006 | 01:46 pm
mood: crushed crushed

Harley Davidson



1994-2006

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(no subject)

Oct. 4th, 2006 | 01:10 am

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Matt Wrote This For His Creative Writing Class

Sep. 29th, 2006 | 08:07 pm

Coral Springs Sans Voiceover

 

I couldn’t help the growing sneer that my face has come so accustomed to, and I would spare of bit of concern if I wasn’t so disgusted with everything else. Not even Alanis’ rage from ‘You Oughta Know’ could distract me from the shabby image my hometown gave itself. The saddest part of it all was I didn’t even live in Coral Spring, but I spent most of my time riding around there in a ’96 Infinity my best friend purposely rode curbs for to realign its axel, blazing past minivans with passive mothers handing out Wendy’s to her soccer team, and giving the bird to every old person we would pass. Gabi would ask me what we should do in this Pleasantville of sorts we lived in, even though she was driving down the street towards the usual place, knowing what my answer would be. Instead, I chimed in as the Canadian on the radio spoke FUCK with as much hate as she could muster, just as much as I felt for this crime of a city, this testament to mediocrity. Gabi quickly joined in, knowing every word on “Jagged Little Pill,” both of us with our old lady glasses (as we affectionately called them) that we had since middle school, and would roll our eyes when we saw everyone else picking up on the trend. I’m still unsure if it was a good or bad thing that our usual 4 chamber emerald hookah would be ready for us, stocked with rowan flavored shisha and the cheesecake my soul sibling and I have come to love, since every employee could see our shades coming from the other side of town, the head manager always offering us a hug and a little too risqué of a squeeze for the public, but that was only half of what we were infamous for. Taking off her shades, Gabi recited our daily mantra after seeing the usual crowd: “God, I’m sick of this town.”

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